Thursday, February 25, 2010

What do the ducks do in winter? Homage a J.D. Salinger

„...“Hey, listen.‘ I said. ,You know those ducks in that lagoon right near Central Park South? That little lake? By any chance, do you happen to know where they go, the ducks, when it gets frozen all over? Do you happen to know, by any chance?‘ I realized it was only a chance in a million...“

[J. D. Salinger: Catcher in the Rye, 1951]

...I guess they are just waiting for the ice to thaw...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Midnight Six

I opened the door to his apartment. It was pitch dark. Only from the narrow space left by a door ajar, I could see a streak of light. I moved cautiously, negotiating every step forward as I could not see where I was treading. Finally, I reached the door, pushed it open a bit more, glanced in. There I saw him standing, cuddling and caressing a bunch of tulips... tenderly stroking the leaves, lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to his surrounding... He was moving back and forward as if listening to some silent music. He appeared much younger and certainly more vulnerable than I remembered him to be just two days ago...

I could sense that he was starting to lose himself, that he got entangled in a myriad of emotions he could not handle anymore. I could palpably feel a mesh of conflicting emotions that drove him mad - and with it a sheaves of mixed emotions where I was simply a footnote.

His jaw started to quiver, leaving a slightly insane smile on his face. He still was unaware of my presence, unaware of the fact that I was observing him.

Then the unquestionable truth dawned on me. I recognised what I had known in my inner self for a long time but pushed away, ignored for much too long, did not want to accept: I did not belong to his world, I never belonged to it in the first place, and what is worse, I had no right to be in...

[Excerpt from the Novel Cycle „Fragments“ by Roman Beljajev/Роман Беляев; Copyright © 1933 Роман Беляев]

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Vladimir Solovyov

"As long as the dark foundation of our nature, grim in its all-encompassing egoism, mad in its drive to make that egoism into reality, to devour everything and to define everything by itself, as long as that foundation is visible, as long as this truly original sin exists within us, we have no business here and there is no logical answer to our existence. Imagine a group of people who are all blind, deaf and slightly demented and suddenly someone in the crowd asks, "What are we to do?"... The only possible answer is, "Look for a cure". Until you are cured, there is nothing you can do. And since you don't believe you are sick, there can be no cure."

[Vladimir Sergeyevich Solovyov (1853 - 1900), Russian Philosopher]

Friday, February 5, 2010

End of Insouciance

He was tossing and turning in his bed. The clock advanced to 4:12 am and still he could not find any sleep, any rest, any relief from his being awake, from his conscious state. This had been his condition for hours now. But as much as he tried he could not escape the real world, escape to some dream - no matter how outlandish, nightmarish or frightening it would be - all would be better than to wake through his current existence.

There was a brief glimpse of relief when he drifted off to a short, feverish delirium. He was descending into a cave, more sliding down than actually stepping down by his own will. And there she was lying, in a puddle, drowned in the shallowest of waters... And immediately he came back to full consciousness - to hit him like a strike of lightening: he lost the most precious thing in life: his insouciance/беззаботность.

[Excerpt from „No return to Eden“ by Roman Beljajev/Роман Беляев; Copyright © 1925 Роман Беляев]